Bancuri

[mihaimircea]

Ramses al II-lea dupa ce castiga o mare batalie il cheama la el pe unul dintre sculptori si ii porunceste sa scrie o stela comemorativa:
-Eu, Ramses, cel mai intelept...........sculptorul bate cu dalta si ciocanul
-Eu, cel mai frumos....sculptorul bate in continuare
-Eu, cel mai puternic ............
Sculptorul intreaba:
-Stapane asta cum se scrie......cu doua pu li sau cu trei coa ie???

excelent asta!

[fisherman]

deblocare

[Ionut the carp]

iar n-ati nimerit-o

[Leba]

Un motan se plimba tantos pe imas. la un moment dat se apropie o vaca, pascind si-l intreaba:
- esti atat de mic si deja ai mustati asa de mari?!?
Motanul:
- si tu ai tatele atat de mari si nu porti sutien?

[Jonin]

Femeia este cel mai fiabil motor [1 cilindru in V]: - se adapteaza la orice piston - se lubrifiaza singura - o data pe luna isi schimba uleiul - un plin ii ajunge 9 luni - functioneaza in orice pozitie - se poate porni cu un singur deget

[Iujin]

Super asta

[Jonin]

La un examen de intrare in politie s-au prezentat 3 concurenti, doi dintre ei fiind pilele cuiva mare din politie.

Intra primul concurent, pila domnului colonel X si examinatorul intreaba:
- Dupa cum stiti, in anul 1907 a avut loc o mare rascoala taraneasca la care au participat peste 40.000 de tarani. Puteti sa-mi spuneti in ce an a avut loc aceasta rascoala ?
Candidatul: In anul 1907.
Examinatorul: Perfect, sunteti admis.

Intra al doilea concurent, pila domnului general Y.
Examinatorul: Dupa cum stiti in anul 1907 a avut loc o mare rascoala taraneasca la care au participat peste 40.000 de tarani. Puteti sa-mi spuneti cati tarani au participat la aceasta rascoala ?
Candidatul: Peste 40.000.
Examinatorul: Perfect, sunteti admis.

Intra al treilea concurent fara nici o pila.
Examinatorul: Dupa cum stiti, in anul 1907 a avut loc o mare rascoala taraneasca la care au participat peste 40.000 de tarani. Puteti sa-mi scrieti numele si adresa fiecaruia ?

[Jonin]

4 directori de fabrici de bere se intalnesc la un restaurant. Directorul de la Stela Artois isi comanda o bere Stela Artois, cel de la Tuborg, Tuborg cel de la Silva, Silva si cel de la Noroc comanda apa minerala.
Cel de la Tuborg intreaba:
- Bai, tu de ce ai comandat apa minerala ?
- Pai daca nu bea nimeni bere

[costi]

Suna o blonda la Politie:
- Mi-au spart masina, mi-au furat totul...si volanul si pedalele si schimbatorul de viteze, totul......
Peste 5 min isi da cu palma peste cap si suna iar la politie:
-Va rog sa ma scuzati, m-am urcat in spate!...

[Sorin]

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual
service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Duh!) Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply."

(This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew."

(Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?


(Priceless!!)